"What child is this ..." (Christmas carol)

[Gregorius Textor]

So, merry Christmas in August, right?

Comments, corrections, improvements invited.

English text of verse 1:

What child is this, who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing.
Haste, haste to bring him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

Poet: William Chatterton Dix, ca. 1865.
Tune: GREENSLEEVES.
Meter: 8.7.8.7. 6.8.6.8. iambic.

My translation:

Qui puer hic est, dormiens
in gremio Mariae,
pastores dum custodiunt,
canentibus in caelis?

Hic, hic est Christus Rex
pastores quem custodiunt.
Laudatum properate
Infantulum Mariae.

Notes:

1. My sense is that "Haste, haste" is addressed to more than one
person, so I've used the plural "properate". According to common
rules, the final e should be elided into "Infantulum" on the next
line. Or maybe it could simply steal one of the two eighth notes
that the previous syllable would normally have.

2. In the line 'canentibus in caelis', I'd like to use some more
direct translation of 'angels'. But, although 'canentibus angelis'
has the right number of syllables, unfortunately the tune would throw
the accent onto the wrong syllable: anGELis; changing the word
order, 'anGELis canenTIbus' would be even worse. Similarly for
'canentibus nuntiis'. I know that in some of the hymns of
the divine office the accents are irregular, but my sense
is that this works better for plain chant melodies than
for a 6/8 tune like GREENSLEEVES.

 

[Pacifica]

Most of it looks good but, indeed, the line canentibus in caelis hardly works without a subject for the participle. Maybe you could say canentibus supernis?

Less importantly, I feel like pastores dum custodiunt would work better with quem instead of dum. Were you just trying to avoid a complete repetition of the line, since pastores quem custodiunt appears in the next stanza? Perhaps something better can be found for that second instance (though no sudden inspiration comes to me).

 

[Priscianus]

The translation is touching and I like it a lot.

Also, I was not aware of the hymn writer William Chatterton Dix.

 

[Gregorius Textor]

Maybe you could say canentibus supernis?

I like that.

I feel like pastores dum custodiunt would work better with quem instead of dum. Were you just trying to avoid a complete repetition of the line,

No, I was just translating "while" literally. But I could repeat the line, couldn't I?

 

[Pacifica]

No, I was just translating "while" literally.

The original has "while" with the shepherds, but it also has the lines in the reverse order, and the whole thing starts with "whom".

Also, I guess it's slightly odd to leave custodiunt without an object (even though it's clear from context) when quem would be such a natural one.

But I could repeat the line, couldn't I?

With quem? Yes, though maybe variation would be better (arguably, matter of taste, etc.).

 

[Pacifica]

In fact, what bothers me slightly in the repetition of pastores custodiunt isn't so much the repetition per se as the fact that it seems to put too much emphasis on the shepherds. Why stress the shepherds rather than the angels? The original repeats the mention of both, which makes for better balance. I wish we could do the same in Latin, but a major difficulty in translating English poetry into Latin while preserving the meter is that a Latin line typically can't hold as much information as an English one (due to Latin words being longer on average).

 

[Gregorius Textor]

but a major difficulty in translating English poetry into Latin while preserving the meter is that a Latin line typically can't hold as much information as an English one (due to Latin words being longer on average).

Yeah, that's the problem.

 

[Gregorius Textor]

Well, then, here's the revised version, pending any better thoughts about lines 3 and 6.

Qui puer hic est, dormiens
in gremio Mariae,
pastores quem custodiunt,
canentibus supernis?

Hic, hic est Christus Rex
pastores quem custodiunt.
Laudatum properate
Infantulum Mariae.

 

[Pacifica]

For line 6 quem canunt et custodiunt came to mind. Not sure it's ideal either, but the respective subjects of the two verbs would presumably be clear enough from the previous stanza.

 

[Gregorius Textor]

That's certainly an interesting thought, and, at least at first sight, a very lovely one!

 

[Gregorius Textor]

Fiat, fiat.

Qui puer hic est, dormiens
in gremio Mariae,
pastores quem custodiunt,
canentibus supernis?

Hic, hic est Christus Rex
quem canunt et custodiunt.
Laudatum properate
Infantulum Mariae.

Gratias multas Pacificae!

Priscianus, I am happy to have acquainted you with the poet William Chatterton Dix. There are two more verses of this hymn, which probably you can easily find by searching the WWW for "What Child Is This". However, I am not eager to translate them; in fact, I hope the poetical muse does not bite me again for a long while. Not that it was unpleasant doing this, but just---it became too intense of an obsession for two or three days.